Of Pickup Lines
by Poddyful
Summary: Sanada is trying to find a way to seduce Yukimura. The whole team pitches in to help. SanadaYukimura


Edit: Mixed something up. Fixed it. Thanks for spotting:P

A/N: This is a birthday fic for Lisa (whose penname I forgot and can't be bothered looking up). In any case, Happy Birthday, and don't forgot to get your extra point this week. Maybe you can get full points this time? (Haha, ok, no teasing on your birthday) (How was your birthday-meal-at-Mt-Tambo-thing?)

I also know that you happen to like the uke pair, or Rikkai love, but I haven't read any of them, so maybe this will be as OOC as they can get.

If you don't like it, too bad. It's yours anyway. Haha. (I think the start is a bit too gradual, and the middle too fast; but that's up to you to decide)

Oh, on that note; how did you like the HP seventh book?

Genre: Humour/Romance/Pointlessness

Word Count: 1770

Warnings: Mindless humourous fluff, maybe. You can figure it out.

Also: I am very and often temperamental, like Kirihara (as Lisa noted). Please do not flame me for no reason, or you will likely receive a very harsh, english-enticed reply back. If you do not want to read yaoi, there's a back button somewhere near the top of your screen. See it? Press it.

Good doggy.

Ooh, before I forgot: For reference, FuuRinKaZan is one of Sanada's moves; when he's performing the "Fuu Rin Ka Zan", Sanada would usually say a phrase for each of his moves, e.g. "swift like the wind" for Fuu, "silent as the forest" for Rin, "Invade like fire" for Ka, and "immovable like a mountain" for Zan.

Have fun reading (or not).

* * *

_**Of Pick-up Lines**_

_Wherein Sanada learns the secret to seducing Yukimura._

_...Okay, not really._

_But he tried._

_

* * *

_

"How about this book?" Niou suggested, placing down a little orange book with a picture of a couple at the beach, the girl being chased by the boy. He didn't really want it to get dirty on Rikkai's club-room bench, but for Sanada's sake, he'll risk it.

"Icha Icha Paradise?" Kirihara asked, reaching out for it. Yanagi calmly slapped his hand away as Jackal quickly grabbed his arm.

Kirihara frowned and pouted as Sanada's forehead creased and his eyes started to twitch.

"Why can't I read it?!" Kirihara demanded.

"Not now, Akaya," Renji admonished gently. Kirihara pouted some more.

"Why are you guys giving him books anyhow?"

There was a brief silence in the room, which was broken by a blunt, "We're giving our dear Fuku-buchou advice on seducing Yukimura"

Sanada suppressed the unwelcome blush and glared at Renji, "Indeed."

"Do any of them work?"

Sanada's expression remained stoic as Renji coughed quietly and Niou grinned.

"Let's find out, shall we?" he sauntered up to the table at which Sanada was seated,

"Let's fuck."

He was rewarded with a blank glare, and he sighed, "Well, I guess the direct approach didn't work..."

Renji was scrawling discreetly into his notebook as Niou thought pensively.

"Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears?" Niou pulled his pockets inside out, "Would you like to?"

Sanada stared at him.

"Why are you trying these lines out on Sanada? Aren't they for using on buchou?" Kirihara asked, as Jackal gave a panicked expression.

"Well, since Sanada-san is so taciturn, anything that works on him, would work for buchou," Bunta explained, in a matter of fact voice that Kirihara scowling.

Sanada and Kirihara frowned. There is a fault in that logic. There _has_ to be. Too bad that they've both got too big a headache (for their own various reasons) to figure it out.

Niou suddenly disappeared.

Sanada worried.

And he knew that he had a reason to, as he felt a puff of hot breath hit his leg. He swung it hard in what he hoped to be the direction that Niou was in, though nothing connected.

Niou quickly emerged, "There was no need for that"

Sanada's expression clearly said, 'yes there was'.

"But Sanada-fukubuchou is shy. Something vague," Marui interjected. Niou mused for a few seconds.

"Could you put your thingy into my thingy?"

A few people face-faulted, and silence hung in thick drifts all around.

A tumbleweed passed.

"Not _that_ shy. Though Yukimura would probably find that cute," Bunta said, rubbing his flattened nose.

"A bit more assertive?" Jackal suggested. Niou shrugged, leaning over the chair in front of his Fuku-buchou once more, his face close to Sanada's.

"I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there," he told him, thinking doubtfully about the merits of licking his lips. Sanada met his gaze hard, and glared.

"Maybe not," Niou retracted.

"Why can't Sanada-fukubuchou just sing?" Kirihara asked, plopping down onto the bench next to his vice-captain, "It always works in movies."

"…he can't sing" Renji informed him, after a long while of silence (in which Sanada's face twitched uncontrollably).

"Couldn't have put that better myself" Niou also said, voicing Sanada's own personal thoughts.

"Something suggestive, but subtle," Renji offered. Niou wondered why Sanada couldn't have just gone into Yukimura's room, force him against the wall, and shag him senseless. He could give him some tips, if he had to.

"If your left leg was Easter and your right leg was Christmas, would you let me spend some time up in the holidays in between?"

Silence prevailed once more.

The silence was shattered once again, this time by Niou, who was wondering who glued the silence back up so it could be broken again. The last one obviously didn't prove too effective.

"Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?"

Sanada blinked suspiciously at Niou, who leaned closer and…gave Sanada a very slow, deliberate wink. He quickly hopped back and dodged the book that was intent on making acquaintance with hitting his head.

"I give up," Niou sighed.

"The lines just aren't…_Sanada_ enough," Bunta said.

"Something poetic usually works well. Something grammatical, in a sense," Renji put in.

"The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word?" Niou recommended again.

Kirihara blinked.

"Then what about tennis?"

"What _about_ tennis?" Bunta asked.

"I was walking past Seigaku's Kikumaru, who was using lines that involved some of his tennis moves to-"

"Brilliant. Sanada's moves work perfectly!" Bunta chirped, always quick to catch on. Kirihara wrinkled his nose, but nodded in agreement to his own suggestion.

Sanada would have pushed up his glasses, if he had one. Instead, he settled for looking apprehensively up at Bunta and Kirihara, "I don't quite follow."

Yagyuu seemed to have caught on, "FuuRinKaZan…I will come to you swift like the wind, silent as the forest, invade your mind like fire. I am immovable like the mountain- I will protect you forever?"

The room was filled with wistful sighs.

Niou improvised, "I will come into you swift like the wind, silent as the forest, invade you like fire, and I am immovable like the mountain. Wanna fuck?"

Sanada whacked him hard.

"…I'll try it."

_

* * *

_

_Seiichi. _

_You are, to me, beautiful. _

_I will come to you swift like the wind, always._

_I will be as silent as the forest, and invade you like fire. _

_I__ am immovable like the mountain- I will never leave._

_Seiichi…_

_I love you_

* * *

"The lines are beautiful, Sanada. Yukimura will fall madly in love with you immediately," Renji assured him. It wasn't usually his line of work, but three of the members had disappeared, and he didn't want to be caught on guard duty. 

They were sitting in Yukimura's hospital room- Sanada having stayed in the room, and Bunta, Niou, and Akaya having gone to get Yukimura from his check up. They had been gone for slightly longer than Sanada had anticipated, which made him slightly suspicious.

He dismissed it as his own nerves, shaking his head unsurely.

"If that is the case, then why were Bunta and Niou snickering behind their hands?"

Renji couldn't very well tell Sanada what they were planning, so he turned back to assuring him, "Trust me. You could make Tezuka fall head over heels for you with those lines."

Jackal, who was stationed at the door, gestured wildly, and somehow discreetly, whispered, "They're coming," and hurried off to greet their buchou.

Renji nodded, and turned to pat Sanada briefly on the back, "Good luck, Sanada. Ganbatte yo"

"Wait, Renji," Sanada paused as Renji stopped before the door, "What are the chances of me and Seiichi getting together?"

Renji smiled slightly, "That would be up to you, Sanada," was his only answer before heading out to join his team.

Sanada looked himself up and down, adjusting his collar and buttons, and smoothing out his shirt. He froze as the chatter got closer, closed his eyes, and- much too soon- he heard his team standing at the door.

Sanada steeled himself, took a deep breath, and turned around, fully intent on giving Yukimura the romantic speech that he had practised…and all thoughts flew out of his head when the lilac-haired captain entered.

Sanada's mouth went dry and his senses barely acknowledged the slamming of the door and the mad giggling from behind it.

Yukimura was wearing his hospital gown, fitted with little purple bear gloves and ears, blending in with his soft tresses. A little tail waved around behind him, and a mauve collar had been fixed around his neck.

And was that lip gloss on those luscious lips?

"I-you-I…we…I…Sei..." Sanada stuttered, mentally cursing himself. He never stuttered-why now?! His speech screamed at him from inside his head, but it didn't connect.

Yukimura titled his head, concerned, though inwardly amused. He knew that there must have been a reason that Akaya and Haru had brought all those little trinkets along.

"Sanada, are you alright?"

"I-we-I…I think…I-"

Yukimura was in front of him in a second, a soft furry hand pressing to his forehead.

Clear amethyst gazed into chocolate brown.

"You don't seem to have a fever though…would you like to lie down?"

Sanada swore he was seeing stars as Yukimura's hot breath fanned onto his skin. His brain had forgone any coherent thought, and at that moment, worked on its own. He only gaped briefly at his captain before they kicked into action.

"Yes, I would," were the words that came unbidden to his lips as he pulled Yukimura down onto the bed and kissed him fiercely.

* * *

Bunta slapped his forehead with a palm, "He forgot all his lines!" 

Niou fell to the floor in hysterical laughter, clutching his sides and trying to keep silent.

Jackal's face contorted as if he wasn't sure whether to laugh or frown, Kirihara was silently fuming at how he could've done a better job, Yagyuu's glasses glinted, and for some reason, Yanagi was no where to be seen.

When Jackal came out of his internal debate, Niou was attempting to seduce to a nurse who he had tripped over while rolling around on the floor, and Kirihara was working on the hole that he had made in the door for a better view, filling up the other regulars' holes with little wood shavings.

From what he could tell by the moans, the pair inside had progressed quite far.

He despaired.

"Madness. Our team is madness."

* * *

Elsewhere, Yanagi was holding a telescope-camera, peering out from behind a bush, whispering to Inui, whose pencil was working away madly at his notebook. 

"What are you doing?" came a deep voice from behind them. They recognised Tezuka's voice, and Inui kept on scribbling, while Renji stood up for a better angle.

"Sanada and Yukimura kissed," Yanagi said absently, adjusting the lenses one point two centimetres to the right.

The Seigaku team, as one, all rolled their eyes or let out a wistful sigh.

"Took them long enough."

* * *

Meanwhile… 

"They kissed," Hiyoshi announced loudly, standing up with his telescope and working all the cricks out of his neck.

"Finally…" was the chorus of relieved murmurs of the small Hyotei crowd.

"But was it Sanada who kissed Yukimura, or the other way around?"

"Sanada pushed Yukimura onto the bed and started to ravish him. If anyone wants more, here's the telescope."

There was a flurry of movement as everyone turned around to their neighbours to either throw money at them, or smile pityingly as money was thrown at them.

Gakuto scowled as he fished a hundred yen out of his pockets and handed it to Oshitari, who smirked and took it graciously.

Atobe smirked as well, as he took a thousand yen from a disgruntled Shishido, Ohtori looking scandalised.

Jackal had better give the bear pieces back to him tomorrow.

He had a Tezuka to seduce.

* * *

Ok, so Atobe is so rich that he technically doesn't NEED anything back. But for the sake of this fic, let's just say that he was normal. 

Right, there we go. My first Tennis no Oujisama fic, and it was a birthday fic.

Either way, Happy Birthday, Lis.

First submission: 7-22-07

Revised: 04/10/07

(I read through it again. There were a few grammatical errors, and I was about to ignore them, when...**I saw a misused 'your'**!! Argh! The horror! -Bangs head repeatedly on desk-)


End file.
